Please ignore this entry if you're not in the mood to hear me whine. Seriously, no joke. You won't miss anything much if you decide to skip this one.
I guess everybody has ups and downs. Well, today, I'm feeling down.
Long story short, I was friends with 3 other guys back in high school, and we've managed to get in touch with each other to do our own high school reunion of sorts somewhere in the east coast.
Now, I like these guys, so I'm showing up, but that's not what's bothering me. What's bothering me is what am I going to say when they ask what I've been up to?
The truth? Not much. I just got older. I got divorced. I used to be in great shape back then. No so anymore. I'm also in debt. Worst of all, I don't make a lot of money.
In short, I feel like I haven't amounted to much. I feel like a loser. I feel like I've been deceiving people, afraid that if people find out how really depressed I get sometimes, about my life in general, well, people like my high school buddies-- and even you, reading this blog-- will stop liking me.
So, my inner personal anxiety is fueling this superficial need to want to be funny, sound intelligent, and act like I'm getting somewhere with life.
Ultimately, I know that I shouldn't be worrying about other people's perceptions. Rather, I need to figure out exactly what I want out of life, and what will make me happy. I guess I just haven't figured out exactly what that is suppose to be yet.
So, what does this have to do with personal finances? Well, when I get like this, I start to get the itch to be spendy.... Yeah, not good. Part of it is shopping therapy. You guys know what I mean, I'm sure. Part of it is this desire for escapism (say, buying video games or even renting a DVD), and part of it is to feel the need to be "good" at something again, even if it's appears to be totally useless (such as wanting to build a new computer).
So, I'm fighting impulse shopping urges right now. 
Well... I know one thing is for sure. I've sat still for too long to end up thinking like this. I'm going out for a walk... and maybe a bucket of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
Later.
The darkest blue
March 7th, 2007 at 03:33 pm
March 7th, 2007 at 03:51 pm
Awe! Don’t be too hard on yourself... If I think about this as well... I am in the exact same boat except that I am getting married but that does not seem very exciting towards others.
It is good to differentiate your life's purpose and life's success. It’s fun to have things and so on... but does not mean you do not have an exciting or unvalued life. Some people slave away to get that big house, fancy cars, etc and are not remembered for anything they done.
You have goals, stability, friends, family/children and compassion to help others with finances online smile! It says a lot that you can maintain friendships with buddies from high school... it means you have good qualities that people stay in touch with you.
March 7th, 2007 at 03:59 pm
It seems you are in the same boat I'm in. I think sometimes we all get a little depressed.
Hang in there. I believe life can only get better.
March 7th, 2007 at 04:19 pm
It is very clear from your blog that you are a delightful, warm, funny and caring person. I can't imagine that your friends don't consider themselves lucky to know you.
March 7th, 2007 at 04:21 pm
Just the fact that you are fighting the urge to spend, even though it's hard, shows how commited you are to turning things around in your life! Give yourself a nice pat on the back and start getting EXCITED about seeing your old friends!
March 7th, 2007 at 04:41 pm
March 7th, 2007 at 06:00 pm
March 7th, 2007 at 06:04 pm
While I was out, I tried counting my blessings. I was thinking, ok, even though I am divorced, at least it wasn't as bad as going through the divorce like last year, and not knowing how things would work out. And even though I wish I had a better job that paid more, at least I have this one, whereas I didn't have it when I was going through my divorce. And I actually like this job, which paid more than my last one!
Besides, I'm sure other people have had much tougher than I have. So, yeah, I feel a little better.
March 7th, 2007 at 06:05 pm
I just had to say I actually was feeling down last year when I joined MySpace no less, to see all the fun and exciting things everyone had done. I grew up in a pretty wealthy area, and not that everyone was wealthy, but I can't figure out how they all can afford to live back home and do all these exciting things, trekking Europe, starting businesses, my generation is REALLY prolonging its youth. I was looking at my life thinking what I have done. Okay so I am raising kids and there is nothing more grand. But still... Anyway, these last few weeks life has taken enough exciting turns I guess and I have been looking at thiings differently, looking at the accomplishements I have made and what I have done, etc. They may not be flashy and cool, but doesn't mean any less. Anyway, I know you are raising kids and I think really there is not much more grand than that endeavor. & we all value you very much in this community - that should mean something to you.
Anyway, when I am stressed I Eat. I am very stressed. I have been pigging out and spending money on food. I feel your pain... But I know this will pass and it is temporary and I am too stressed to really do anything about it - LOL. I say go get your bucket of ice cream - hehe. Just don't do it every night...
Oh you may be in debt but you should be PROUD of your accomplishments...
March 7th, 2007 at 07:16 pm
March 7th, 2007 at 07:34 pm
What's in your heart? That's who we all care about.You have friends here. You have fans here. You have family here.
March 7th, 2007 at 08:00 pm
i am also not fond of reunions- however if these guys are your friends - well then most of the truth is good- real friends will be there for you despite some of the external's changing- also your friends have probably also been through stuff . Competitive “friends” aren't what anybody needs. Often we judge ourselves more harshly than we think other people do. Go and have fun- and let us know what happens
March 7th, 2007 at 08:05 pm
They will probably want to talk a lot about the great times you had in high school, and past issues, more than current things.
I'm sure they like you for your personality and your sense of humor.
Just have fun, reminisce, and don't worry about appearances. If they are good friends, they will know you went through a painful divorce, and will understand that you have had some recent struggles. Friends can be honest with each other. Acquaintances try to impress each other.
March 7th, 2007 at 08:22 pm
We've been visiting the place that you describe. You're working hard and you're making progress. And by checking your stats comments, you have quite a blog following - a good blogger. By your writing I can tell you are a terrific human being. You're one of the blogs I follow and I get inspiration from you.
You might be pleasantly surprised that the other 2 people whom you'll be reuniting with have had their share of troubles, too.
March 7th, 2007 at 08:35 pm
I know it can be easy to get depressed and want to cheer up with superficial things, but superficial things will defeat your purpose of getting out of debt. And your purpose is stronger than any negativity you may feel right now, if you think to remember it.
If I were your real life friend I would admire your determination to get that debt monkey off your back and the fact that you didn't let your divorce break you. I would admire your courage in facing the future on your own when that is something you never thought you'd have to do. I wouldn't notice a few pounds of pudge. I'd notice your heart. I'd notice your strength. I'd notice your will. But mostly, I'd just be glad to see my friend again.
It is so easy to lose faith in yourself, but you are a great person and your friends will always recognize this. Because they are friends. And their lives are enhanced by your presence in them. No matter what.
March 8th, 2007 at 05:11 am
know what i've decided? it's OK if i take the first 40 years to figure out exactly who i am, because that leaves me the next 40 to enjoy being me.
when going to your reunion, focus on the cool things, like your kids and this neato energetic online community you've joined (sharing the community details is of course a personal preference). and know that the "good old days weren't always so good", we just remember them that way...
March 8th, 2007 at 05:40 am
*intestinal fortitude!! You've got it in spades!! ...and not everyone can say that.
March 8th, 2007 at 05:54 am
We all worry about about how other people preceive us-- but EVERYONE has tough times at some point. Your friends will understand-- and most likely be able to relate very well as they've probably had their own issues.
March 8th, 2007 at 07:02 am
The first class reunion I went to alone, the band leader asked me to dance many times and told me I must have been a cheer leader, i was the prettiest one there!
That made me feel so good and I realize that in high school we were just kids, and sometimes, kids are cruel.
I saw the best looking boy in class wind up as a very poor truck driver.
I determined I was going to be a winner. I never had a high paying job or a husband that made much money, but that was ok. I saved my money and I worked hard.
I married a man that works very very hard and I kept saving.
Now, when I go to the class reunion I hold my head up high. No one has any more than I have, no one is better than I.
You can do that too. It might take a few years, but you can do it!!
I showed all those college graduates with big jobs a picture of my house; they are all like, "wow!! No one has a house like mine.
I saved my money, you can too!! You are!!
March 8th, 2007 at 08:27 am
Now listen, BA. First of all, this is exactly the reason why i dislike college reunions. You can't help comparing yourself to others and in many cases, you'll just get introspective and self-critical and it doesn't really help things. So if you'd really rather not go, don't. But if you do, i bet you'll be glad you did and maybe even take away a new outlook on a few things. You never know what others will bring into your life..
BA, you've got to remember that life is a series of highs and lows, puncutated by long stretches of ho-hum, average and even boring days in between. This is called "the human condition." Youve been through a divorce and had some financial hard times, but this isn't the end of the road. You're a young guy, right? This is not the final chapter of your life, only a blip among many, many days ahead. What i'm saying is, there is still time to march forward on your path, wherever it takes you, and if you choose, undo many of those things you seem to want to change, personal relationship, job, health, etc.
Although this angst and uncertainty can be unsettling, know, too, that this can be one of those times in your life when anything is possible....there are tremendous possiblities out there for you if you are receptive and open your mind up to it. In some ways, you're actually in a better position for growth and change than many of us who get stuck in a predictable rut of day to day routine, just sort of sloshing through the weeks and months of our lives with so much stuff to do that we have barely a second to lift our heads up from time to time to take a read on the landscape of life and make sure we're headed where we want to go.
Often after major life changes like a divorce, we need time to take an accounting and reaquaint ourselves with who we are and where we want to go. This will come to you in time.
Hang in there.
Fern
March 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
But I am also very grateful to have you guys as support. Pom-poms indeed.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:18 am
March 8th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Not drama king
Just self aware man able to articulate his feelings
Can I have pink ones please( poms poms that is)
March 8th, 2007 at 11:37 am
I keep telling him that he has to do something about it if he wants to change, that I will help him in any way I can, but it is up to him to get started and change his life around.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:53 am
There are a lot of days that you make me smile...sometimes even laugh outloud. That is a good thing. I think you are funny.
From all the responses and encouragement and advice back to this post...seems like EVERYBODY loves you!!!
Hang in there.
P.S. Chunky Monkey or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream?!?!?!
March 8th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Girl, you couldn't catch me dead with a pink pom-pom even if it was all I had to save my life.... So, by all means, have at it.
P.S. Chunky Monkey or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream?!?!?!
I'm definitely a Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough kind of guy, though none of them are healthy.
I did have a banana today though. Does that help?
March 8th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
March 8th, 2007 at 01:08 pm
I know you've heard this from me before: darn near EVERYONE will have a sob story that will sound just like yours. Consider yourself part of the 'in' crowd.
As for wanting to spend money - hang out at the bar and buy all the gals a drink. Don't be surprised if you become Mr Popularity due to a little chivalry.
And here's what I want for the above tips - you come right back here and tell us EVERYTHING. I want dirt!
March 8th, 2007 at 03:23 pm
Thanks for the offer though.
But if guys really want to know about the reunion, I'll tell you guys about it... after I come back from it some time in July or August.
March 8th, 2007 at 06:47 pm
ps... you're smart, funny, nice and also determined to take control of your life and your finances... i'd love it if some of my friends and family were doing as well as you...
March 12th, 2007 at 12:11 am
We all look back and think coulda, woulda, and shoulda! In the end we are all muddling through. Don't ever be hard on yourself because everyone else is in the same boat in one way or another.
Chin up buckaroo and get out there and enjoy the hell out of life. Who deserves it more than you?
March 24th, 2007 at 01:31 pm
March 24th, 2007 at 02:18 pm
March 26th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Thanks again, everyone!
May 17th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Then - at 33 - someone gave me an old computer. I played with it and learned basic. then I talked my way into a low end computer job, then another, then another. I'm now 50 with the whole shebang: wife, house, kids, cars, living in California. Somehow - despite myself - it happened.
This is the point. Just keep your eyes open, and your confidence up, find something you like to do, then talk your way into it. The rest will come.