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Masters weekend

May 12th, 2009 at 03:04 pm

Not a good title, but easier to find for future reference.

Last weekend, my ex-wife had her masters graduation ceremony, and I couldn't be happier for her. Naturally, she wanted the kids there, but it was my weekend with them.

So, she called me earlier and asked if our oldest son (almost 19 years old) could drive the kids to the ceremony. I told her that it's much easier if I were to drive them there. There's no need to coordinate two cars, waste gas, and anyway, it's close to where I live and I certainly don't mind helping out. She was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed and said that she would email me the address when she finds out exactly where.

Fast forward to last weekend when I went to pick up the kids. The email never came by the way, so I thought maybe she left the printed instructions with my son. When I got there, my son insisted that he drive his car so he can drive the kids to her graduation ceremony. I was perplexed as to why, and after some prodding, he finally told me that he didn't trust me, and was afraid that we would end up arguing again.

Two things. First, I am really hurt that my son doesn't trust me and feels that he has to insulate two grown adults from ever having any contact with each other. I can't even imagine why I would want to get into a fight with ex over something like this. It's her day, and I'm just playing chauffeur. I thought I was being nice and helpful. Besides, even if we somehow end up arguing, is that really a bad thing? Sometimes, they are inevitable if it means to resolve issues between people.

However, I admit that I AM quite upset about something: My ex lied to me. She said she would provide driving instructions, but nothing was ever provided. Instead, the plan got switched without me knowing until the last minute.

See, this is why my ex drives me nuts. She may seem like a reasonable and communicative person at first, but when it's all said and done, it HAS to be her way or the highway. And if that isn't bad enough, it's often made out to be MY fault somehow! I have been lied to, but the plan was switched because I am somehow untrustworthy? Do you see what I mean?

It really hurts. How do you raise a proper family if we can't even manage something as simple as a 15 minute car ride?

In the past, I would have let stuff like this slide. After all, it's only a car ride right? No big deal, there are bigger things to worry about. Just take a deep breath and move on. Tomorrow will be a better day.

But you know what? That's exactly what went wrong with my marriage. I let too many little things slide, without ever addressing the potentially serious underlying issues, and enabled my ex to simply do whatever she pleased, all the while taking the blame for it.

Admittedly, I am not entirely innocent either. I didn't communicate well, and my bottled-up frustration would sometimes spill over in anger and frustration... which she uses those moments of poor reaction as the reason why I am such an unfit husband and father....

Well, not anymore. Since then, I've learned that it's not healthy to bottle up even little things inside, and that it's better to vent them in healthy manners. Like blogging for example, if you readers don't mind.... I'm also trying to communicate and work issues out as much as possible, even if they can be difficult.

The perfect irony though, is that they think I've only become angrier and more bitter as time has gone by, when in fact, it's actually quite the opposite.

I think it also helps to chronicle it, because in the past, I have a tendency of forgetting little things like this, and if it ever pops up again where I am being blamed for it, I typically don't remember enough details to defend myself.

I'm so glad that I don't drink. It wouldn't be pretty.

6 Responses to “Masters weekend”

  1. gamecock43 Says:

    ummm...how in the world did you find just the cutest picture!!
    regarding your wife- its frustrating. 2 people, 2 different agendas, and 2 outlooks. Its good for you to vent, go to show support and prove you don't need to argue, then move on.

  2. Broken Arrow Says:

    Hehe, internet! Sorry, I don't remember exactly where. When I find a funny picture, I just save it in my own folders. I've got several more like that, but don't know exactly where. On a somewhat related note, you might also enjoy www.cuteoverload.com?

    As for my ex-wife, certainly there are always two sides to every story, and I agree that I've only presented mine. On the other hand, I know she and several others from "her side" is quite aware of my blog here. They are always welcome to respond, or at the very least, see my side of the story here.

    Despite the fact that I am obviously upset about all this, I have tried to be as objective and fair as I can be whenever I write stuff like this. My ex pursues mostly her agenda, but I believe in the seeking the truth. So, that's my agenda if you want to call it that. So, that's what I've presented here, and will always present to the best of my abilities. The truth as I see it....

  3. gamecock43 Says:

    I'm not saying that your side is not truthful. Just that she doesn't see things the way you see it. That's why she acts according to her own truth. Nothing you can do to change her truth. You just need to work within it and move on from the rest of it. I would be more concerned with your kids truth. Make sure that they feel comfortable and safe at all times. If that means no arguing or no going to a graduation- then do what you can to accommodate that for them. I dont care how your ex wants you to behave- she's biased. But you do need to accomodate how your kids want you to behave.

  4. whitestripe Says:

    In the end - the best revenge is success. In this circumstance, revenge would be being the bigger man out of all this - appear as though it does not get to you and be careful to not involve your kids in this, like gamecock says, make sure they feel comfortable. you may need to have a sit down and explain things, and take into account how they feel. but from someone who has had to deal with divorced parents - i can safely tell you that a lot of the time we REALLY do not want to know the personal details of parents disagreements, or whose fault it is. there is nothing worse than feeling like you might have to pick sides. even if you don't think you are makiing them pick sides - be very careful of the way you talk about things. *hugs* hope it all works itself out for you! and blogging is a very good tool for releasing anger. i am sure you have read most of my rants too!

  5. Broken Arrow Says:

    Gamecock:
    Yes dear. Big Grin I told my son that if he really wants to drive, then he can choose to do so. And that's why he drove the kids that weekend. The logistics doesn't even bother me anywhere near as much as the underlying issues of trust and deceit.

    whitestripe:
    Yes I've sat down and talked to my son. He's an adult now, and if he really wants to actively get involved like this, then I might as well cover the issues relating to this, which I did. Let me clarify again that, unlike yourself, he chose to actively get involved. Otherwise, I normally try to insulate the kids from these matters.

    Personally, I don't believe in picking sides. I also take great pains to make sure that the kids don't have to worry about such an issue. I believe divorced parents should be on the same page, the same side, to raise children. Why this can't work out continues to baffle me though. I mean, seriously, it's not difficult to talk to me.

    On the other hand, it does seem as though that the only time I ever hear from my ex is when she wants something from me. Like money or favors. Sometimes, the proposal is reasonable, and I let her know that I don't have a problem with it. Other times, they are not reasonable at all, and I let her know that as well.

    But then, I'll run into that strange mental barrier again where she's always right and I'm always wrong, except now we're divorced and I just don't see why I would ever want to give her anything that's unreasonable. Seriously, why would I do that?

    Speaking of revenge, I heard the best line the other night. The question was, "What is the best form of revenge?" and the best response was, "Revenge is best served cold and Revenge is sweet, therefore, Revenge is ice cream". Big Grin But yes, I agree that, were I interested in revenge, the best kind is to simply live well, or as you put it, success.

    For the record though, I honestly have no interest in revenge of any kind. For all the craziness, she's still the children's mother. And she used to be my wife. So, I choose to see her as the lovely woman that she can be, even if I can't always escape the ugliness of the other aspects sometimes. And for the most part, we do live our separate lives from each other just fine.

    In the end, all I want to do is work things out enough to raise our children properly.

  6. princessperky Says:

    My mother and father had several issues that made no real sense like this.

    In the end I turned up fine.

    So what I am saying is, your kids are going to be better off than me, you stated your case and moved on. Smile (and brought the vent here, which is perfect. kids are not for venting)

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