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My ex is... interesting

June 29th, 2009 at 06:18 pm

Back before I even arrived and started a blog here at SA, I kept in touch with a friend of my ex-wife, who at the time was worried about how my ex-wife is neglecting the children in order to run off to the ski slopes with her boyfriend whom she had an affair with.

Before I continue, I just want to say up front that, ex's friend, if you are reading this, I am not upset with you guys. Thank you for doing what you can to help my kids and trying to somehow keep my ex and I together.... While I'm at it, I do not bare ANY ill will towards you guys. I hope the family is doing fine, and in an ideal world, we could all still be friends....

Anyways I confronted my ex about leaving the children alone, obviously, because this sort of negligence clearly could not be allowed. Besides, I would hate to have law enforcement and social services find out. Yikes!

But instead of her being seen as a negligent mother, she wanted all of them to see what an awful and abusive man that I am. And that's why she had "no choice" but to leave me... and they need to stop associating with me.

Now, am I a wonderful human being who is without sin and who has done no wrong? No. Far from it. In fact, I've gone into much detail privately with some of you about just how bad I was. And I've been sorry and paying for those mistakes ever since. EVER SINCE.

But despite the fact that, I was in reality, provoked each and every time, and despite my apologies, and despite my sincerest efforts to work things out, my ex's only objective was to push all the wrong buttons at the wrong time in order to get me upset enough to record it on the phone, and show it to all of her friends what a bad person that I am. Thus proving her case about her being an abuse victim and me the evil monster.

And she got it. One night, she got me so mad that I said, "Damn you, Angel! I'm going to kill you!" over the phone. Of course, I didn't mean any of it, and certainly not literally. I was just so tired and agitated by her poking at me for nearly a week that the outburst finally came out. She knew that. I knew that. But no one else did. All they heard was me making a threat, because that's all she played.

That really, really hurt me, by the way. Because despite my terrible outburst, I thought the entire time, we were arguing because we were trying to sort our issues out and patch things up. At least, I really was trying....

But when I learned what had happened instead, I was so... heart-broken. I literally broke into tiny pieces. I had to stop talking to her, and except for work, I laid in the bed the entire time, in my depression and confusion, wondering what's going on and what I am suppose to do now....

And that's when I had to swallow that large, bitter pill of reality... that NO, my ex doesn't want to work things out. And that I had no choice but to prepare for divorce, because that's where she was taking it whether I liked it or not.

Now, I realize that every story has two sides, but assuming that I am telling the truth-- and I am telling the truth-- can you see the sort of personality I have to deal with? A woman that isn't interested in the truth, or what's right or wrong. Rather, like her own mother, she is convinced that she is always the victim, and if the world can't see that, it's only because they don't understand her position yet, and therefore, she has to try harder to explain or manipulate it until we all see her side.

So, why am I mentioning all this now? Because she hasn't changed... at all. She still does this! And it's difficult for me to talk about it here because she and many on her side knows my blog here. And sadly, that gives her an insight into me to work with.

And now you know the real reason why I deleted my blog earlier. Because, among other things, I was sick and tired of her doing that. Plus, because I know of this, I could never be completely free and open with what kind of information I share on here, because I always have to wonder just how she is going to use it against me. That's also why I've contemplated leaving this community before, even though you guys have been extremely supportive and understanding....

But all of this shenanigance gets tiring, you know? And not only that, if things don't work out in her favor, she'll just pretend none of it exists and wait a while... so that it can be forgotten. Somehow that makes it OK for her to lie to me and screw me. Repeatedly. And if I ever bring it up, it's because "Oh, it's Tim's anger thing again. That's why he can't let it go." Ugh.

I'm sorry, but my ex really bugs me. Not all women are like this, are they? Please tell me they're not, or should I just give up and be a monk for the rest of my life?

9 Responses to “My ex is... interesting”

  1. whitestripe Says:

    Not all women are like that BA. I understand where you're coming from - you've read posts about my mother! But there ARE women who are different, please do not give up on the prospect of companionship!

    My mother always maintains she was the victim with her relationship with my dad. I am sure that he wasn't completely innocent - but I know that with my dad, there was never the question of who's fault it was, atleast where I was concerned. He kept it dignified, which I can't say for my mother.

    There ARE other women out there that are not like your ex wife. I know it seems sometimes like there isn't, or that there aren't any available - but think of this like the journey to find that special person, someone that deserves your time and love, like you deserve theirs. don't give up!

  2. Thrifty Ray Says:

    No, they are not all like this. But I think you know this already. Unfortunately, you didnt just get burned, you had your heart, trust and belief in marriage ripped up and stomped on. I don't know what makes some people not only selfish, but also spiteful...but that is a painful mix when things turn sour. But you need to remember, its not you...its HER.

    One of my favorite quotes was made by Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Reclaim your power. Once you truly let it go, you will feel an amazing freedom. I know, I was there.

    You have an amazing spirit...forgive yourself--you've worked hard to become the young man that you are and you completely deserve a happy life.

    Ok, gramma ray is hopping off her soapbox now....

  3. momcents Says:


    I would say that you are best without this type of toxic person in your life (well, I suppose you still have to deal with her because of your children). It is unfortunate that she was calculated enough to manipulate you to the point of being able to "prove" her version of the truth.

    All women aren't like that. I hate to say that my biological father and your ex-wife are cut from the same cloth. I have learned that once you take away the power they think that they have over you, there is far less drama. I am SO past the point of wanting something from my father (whether positive or negative) that the absence of something is PEACE.

    It sounds like you've taken away a lot of self-introspection from this past relationship. I wouldn't shut yourself off from a future relationship because of this. You seem like a really nice guy who could make a girl happy. And you have a nice singing voice.

  4. Single Guy Says:

    I wish I could give you uplifting views of women, but you know I am at about the same despair as you are.

    One thing I can say is to have faith in your children to see what is really happening, and believe they will know what is right. In my case my mother left my father to go marry, well lets say a not so nice guy that no one liked, and I had to go along for the ride for over a dozen painful years. I tried to stay neutral on their divorce while my mother and her husband tried to alienate me against my father (which never worked). I always watched her behavior, and followed the comments of people and relatives, and knew what really happened. In the last few years it looks like she has finally changed (I have to keep stopping myself from asking who she is when I visit), but I know deep down I will never trust her 100%.

    I guess the point is, keep the faith with your children, do what is truly for the best, and try not to stress about her. It ain't easy, but no one ever said life is fair. And if you've come this far, you can make it.

  5. miz pat Says:

    Dear BA. I'm going through the end of a divorce. My first thought in reading all this, is what the heck does she think she's doing bringing up all this emotional baggage, when the real issue is that her kids are home alone without adult supervision.

    Don't let her manipulate you. Obviously that's what she is into. Don't let her get you off track. Find out what the heck she's doing to those kids, and protect them. Then have as little to do with her as possible, because she will continue to manipulate you and drive you bonkers.

    Take care and God bless you, guy.

    Miz Pat

  6. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    I'm glad you have those friends who are looking out for your kids and did so from the start of all this. It sounds like they have everyone's best interests at heart.

    I won't go into any explanations, justifications, or examples, but I do want to say absolutely, no! All women are not like that. In fact, most women are not like that.

    I've been falsely accused before and it is tough to bear. Sometimes you don't know whether trying to explain the truth makes it look like you are really just protesting too much in order to create an impression of innocence. But not speaking up, not telling the truth also leaves the falsehood standing unchallenged. So what do you do--fight it or not? Fight a little, or fight a lot? It really is tough to figure.

    You just have to trust that the people who really matter will believe in you in the long run, if not for some reason, in the short run. I believe in you, BA, and I am just some nobody out on the internet. I think the real life people who believe in you will trust your word. If they see you to be an honest person because you conduct yourself honestly, their first impulse will always be to trust your word.

    ~The soapbox and megaphone are now availble for the next speaker.~

  7. princessperky Says:

    Ouch, the Pr battle on top of divorce.

    I wish it were easy, In some ways though I am not sure you are writing this to us?

    One reason why we tell our kids never to do things, never be the second in a fight, and never sink to their level...because others use those wrongs when they have an ax to grind.

  8. Broken Arrow Says:

    Thank you all for being understanding about this. As you say, Joan, it's hard to find that balance about protesting or not.... Because, I honestly don't like speaking in negative tone... but I don't think I can or want to keep such things silent anymore.

  9. Phenomenal Woman Says:

    Wow, a sound like your ex was very manipulative and sneaky. I am sorry you had to go through this, especially when there are children involved.
    There are bad women as well as good ones. I am a strong believer that one's true side will reveal itself in an honest way someday whether they were a conniving or honest person. Your ex may have lied to herself for so long that she does no longer know what is true anymore but even so, I believe the truth will be revealed in due time.
    Despite all of this, I cannot imagine the position you are constantly in. I really hope you find peace and freedom that would lighten your burden with all of this needless stress.

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