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Upset with the ex

March 14th, 2009 at 07:05 am

This is not going to be one of my finer moments or posts, but I just have to get this off my chest....

For literally years, my ex has made it crystal clear that she's quite happy with not having any contact with me. And yet, yesterday, she decided that it would be fitting enough to talk to me in person about insurance matters. Namely, she decided that my high deductible insurance isn't good enough for the children.

But rather than trying to understand my position, and after making it clear that she has her own insurance to supplement mine for the children, she's still accusing me that I'm trying to screw her or the kids somehow.

Here I am trying to understand why she insists on that line of questioning, but when I offered for us to sit down and look over the choices, and help pay for the insurance premiums, all of a sudden, she was like, "No, no. I don't think I want to do that."

Why? Why does she get to decide on what we will or will not talk about? Why does she get to decide that I am the bad guy in this picture but we can conveniently avoid anything constructive? Why does "I" take precendence over "we"?

You know why I am so upset with this conversation? It is because, basically, she wants me to pay more so she doesn't have to. This, despite that fact that she knows I make less money than she does, AND the man whom she committed adultery with when we were still married, and is still together with, makes EVEN MORE money. In fact, he is moving into her basement and will be paying my ex rent!

So, despite having at least six figures worth of income to tap from, she has gall to basically say, "You should pay more on the insurance"? I was flabbergasted! Here I am, standing in her house; a fully-upgraded, corner end townhouse, in a small and private cul de sac from a nice part of the town, thinking about all the vehicles she has bought, upgraded, and swapped around, along with her emails making it crystal clear that she is not destitute and "No I don't need you or your money"... and now, she wants to stand there and tell me that I'm a bad person for not picking an insurance that's good enough for her?

"Oh but I don't want to talk about that. Let's not talk about that", she says, referring to all the money she's spent on her lifestyle, which she thinks she has cut back on. Of course! Let's conveniently skip all the stuff she doesn't like but we can focus on the stuff that makes me look bad.

What is wrong with this woman? But like I said, I would not have gotten even remotely upset talking about something like... insurance.. if she would just stop thinking only about herself and her needs and start thinking about other people... like ME. It was like being married to her all over again:

She decides on what she wants to do, regardless of how it affects anybody else, including me. I get upset because she doesn't give a damn about me. She blames me and tells me I am at fault for getting upset and that's why she has to leave me, but instead of the battered women's shelter after telling all our family, friends, and co-workers what a horrible, abusive, and angry husband that I was, she gleefully runs off on ski trips with her adulterous boyfriend while leaving me at home to watch the kids... because somehow, angry, abusive husbands are still good enough to watch the kids. Makes perfect sense!

Look, I'm not a perfect human being. But despite my flaws, I really do care about our children and even my ex's welfare. But IT GETS OLD when, ultimately, my ex does not care about ME. Only what works for her. Very simply, that's why I get so upset.

And here's something else: I KNOW my ex is aware of this blog. So it's not like I'm talking behind her back. Ex, if you've got anything you want to say in your defense, you know how to respond. But I'll say this much: YOU are the one who cheated on me and left me. YOU ALONE DECIDED TO DO THAT. I even tried to work things out with you, but YOU CHOSE NOT TO. So, while I will work with you, especially when it comes to the children, I owe you NOTHING! And you will NEVER, EVER push me around again. EVER!

17 Responses to “Upset with the ex”

  1. asmom Says:

    Whoa! It is amazing how selfish people can be. I'm glad you have made a conscious decision not to let her mistreat you again BA. Some people really get off on that power and you have to put a stop to it.

    Oh yeah and karma's a beyotch.

  2. Ima saver Says:

    I am so sorry for what she is putting you thru. It is better to have as little contact as possible with her. That is what I did after my divorce. Not even to get my child support. I just gave up on it.

  3. Broken Arrow Says:

    Thank you for your support.

    Although... to be fair to my ex (and I do try to be fair even though she is my ex), it isn't so much that my ex gets off on a power trip or anything. It's more like she just doesn't... "get it". It's more like the world owes her or she is entitled to a certain lifestyle that she equates to happiness.

    For example, because I've been such a bad husband in her eyes, I therefore owe her for her to leave for someone else who "treats her better"... because she is entitled to be happy... but the unspoken, underlying rules is "regardless of the consequences, both financially and emotionally to others".

    I don't know if I am explaining it right. Basically, she's convinced that she is the victim in this whole tragedy. And because of this self-lie, she plays a very convincing part, all the while, dismissing anything that may suggest the contrary.

    I can go on and on about this, but as a comment, I'm trying to keep it contained.

  4. Broken Arrow Says:

    Child support is an interesting issue. For the longest time, I paid it the best I could, because we both thought that me, the guy, is suppose to even though I didn't run off or anything.

    As it turns out, due to state laws and our earnings difference, SHE was the one who is suppose to pay me!

    And what was the first thing she said the moment I told her that, based on what my lawyer told me?

    She wants more time with the children, so she would not legally owe me any child support. Brilliant.

    And you know what? I've never even pursued that back pay during the time that I paid her when she should have been paying me.

    But that's how we ended up not paying each other child support. She didn't care about that at the time anyways. All she was worried about is that I would sue her ex, which she was right. I would have, if she didn't stop backstabbing me with recordings and manipulated proof of how bad of a person I am rather than simply sitting down and trying to work things out with me.

    I'm sorry, I seem to be spitting venom today. It's just that she's in her 40's now. And I would think that after all these years should would be... wiser somehow? But instead, nothing has changed.

    And that makes me sad... because I still care, not just for the children, but for her as well. I don't know why. I really shouldn't. But I do.

  5. homebody Says:

    You are right some people do not get it. As a teenager, she was probably the girl who would not wear a T-shirt from Walmart, as my coworker was telling me about her daughter yesterday. Self-centered I would say. Hang in there!

  6. Aleta Says:

    Sorry that you're going through this again. I'm sure she's concerned about the economy and her job security and I'm sure she is driving her boyfriend mad as well talking about all of this stuff. He might be the one encouraging her to talk to you about assuming more of the financial side of the insurance.

    I would flat out tell her that the rules were set in the beginning and that she agreed to them. BA: You don't get to change the rules in the middle of the ballgame or after the fact.

    You don't have another partner sharing your expenses like she does. Ignor her. You don't owe her anything. As far as not picking the insurance that's good enough for her, that's not her call. The insurance is not for her; it's for your children.

    She has a lifestyle now that you aren't legally required to support. Hang in there.

  7. asmom Says:

    BA, do you think she talks against you to the children? I hope not but often in these I'm the victim scenarios the person who thinks they've been wronged tend to seek sympathy from any and everyone. Hang in there.

  8. Thrifty Ray Says:

    boy oh boy BA...I have been there, dealt with that. All I can say by looking back at my own experiences is that the sooner you stop allowing the others anger to influence you and your life, the better. I had an ex who used every trick in the book...and eventually, I decided that what I was dealing with for him to pay the minimum child support was not worth it. He can deal with his conscience and his lack of relationship with his kids.

    DO NOT forfeit your relationship with your kids because of her. Stick to your agreements and enjoy your kids. There will be a day when you look back and will either be proud or disappointed---you and your kids deserve the former.

    High deductibles are becoming very common- insurance is becoming prohibitively expensive otherwise.

    She sounds materialistic and mean spirited to me. Dont let her define who you are.

  9. dmontngrey Says:

    Wow BA, I'm so sorry to hear. Don't have any advice to offer you. Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear. Hang in there! We have a recently divorced friend whose ex does similar things to him. Really nasty mind games! She even goes out of her way to get him going in front of the kids, but he knows better. Just a really tough situation.

  10. crazyliblady Says:

    She sounds impossible to talk with and work anything out. If I were you, I would let the lawyer do the talking. It sounds like she is not hurting any for cash, but is just trying to get more out of you. I hope your children don't grow up being as self-centered as she is.

  11. frugaltexan75 Says:

    I have no advice to offer. Just I am sorry to hear that you're going through this.

  12. baselle Says:

    I don't have too much to add except I thought it was game over if your ex remarried. I know that its game over when your children reach majority. Stick to your guns. I think some of this comes from time pressure - your children are getting older and she's trying to get the last bites of that apple while she can.

  13. Broken Arrow Says:

    Wow, a lot of comments on this one. And looking back, I really do feel bad about writing this particular entry, because I don't like bad-mouthing anyone. I think, on some level, it's highly disrespectful of me and does not reflect well with my own personal character....

    I suppose the difference is that, back then, I was still married. And so long as I was married, I was going to behave in a way I felt was proper for a husband until the very end....

    But we're NOT married anymore. I do NOT owe her any favors. And whatever her problems are with money isn't my problem anymore.

    Just to clarify, as far as I know, my ex and her boyfriend are not married. In fact, I believe she's actually rather worried about the possibility of him leaving her. I suppose I can't blame her for being worried like that, but... what a heck of a way to live. Still, that too is her problem, not mine.

    Finally, I just want to add that my relationship with the children are just fine. I think they love their mom as they should, but I think they also understand both sides. The good and the bad.... I think. I try my best not to get the children involved in these sort of bickering though. All they really need to know right now is how much both of us love them, and that they should have as much of a happy, healthy childhood as they still can....

    Anyway, I thank you all very much for your support and understanding....

  14. princessperky Says:

    I am sorry Frown. I hope your kids are not messed up by this ..

    You are very fair to keep being nice to her in your blog BTW

  15. Broken Arrow Says:

    I think the children are mostly fine, especially the small ones who doesn't need to know that we bicker like this. In fact, knowing would only worry them unnecessarily.

    I thought I was particularly rude to my ex on this one. I know I wrote it when I was still quite upset about it, and that wasn't wise to do that.

    On the other hand, I wrote it exactly because I was upset and was just trying to get this off my chest.

    When it's all said and done, I just don't want to keep spending in such a way that only benefits her while she gets to continue to do whatever it is that she wants to do, and at my own expense.

    Insurance may seem like a strange line to draw, but I suppose it's the culmination of all the stuff that has happened between us in the past, along with the fact that I am no longer under any obligations to cater to her. Work with her? Yes. But cater to her at my expense and her benefit? No.

  16. SnoopyCool Says:

    No more apologizing for being rude on this one. I know I still respect you, as I'm sure eveyone else on here does. You reacted in a more appropriate manner than I might have! There are a lot of emotions in a situation like this, and sometimes they aren't rosy.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I would also recommend having as little contact with her as possible. It's hard when there are kiddos involved, b/c you can't just cut her out of your life. But you CAN stick to your guns and still be a nice guy. Hang in there.

  17. my english castle Says:

    The trick is not to let her get to you. Way easier said than done. With people who drive me crazy, I try to come up with a one or two line blurb and just keep repeating it. Either they start screaming at me or they give up.
    We all wish you luck with this!

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