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Latest rant on the ex

September 14th, 2009 at 06:33 am

I'm about to vent some serious negativity about my ex. Please skip if you wish.

Seriously, this woman drives me up the wall. She never apologizes for anything, believes she's never wrong, and more recently, has decided that she found "self-empowerment" or some junk. (And I know that using absolutes like "never" is pretty strong, but I think it's actually appropriate in this context....)

The inability to apologize for anything, even when blatantly shown to be false, in my opinion already speaks volumes. But what does she need "self-empowerment" for? She's never had problems being self-empowered. Seriously. I mean, she left me for another guy, despite being supposedly afraid of any ensuing consequences for doing so. What does that tell you?

What she truly lacks is the "common sense" department. Even empowerment is useless if you don't know the proper direction upon which to project that energy. It's like swinging a giant sledgehammer, but constantly missing the target. What good is that still?

Honestly, I give her way, way too much slack, even when I said I wasn't going to. I am such a sap.

Her latest round is wasting my time trying to explain to me how she doesn't make a lot of money, how she's got all this student loan that is still under deferment, and how even her "boyfriend" has to chip in.

Hello? Is anybody home?

You make good money. Boyfriend is paying you rent. Heck, you even managed to defer your massive student loans (with "floaty APRs"). You can pay to take care of the kids!

So why can't she? Isn't it obvious? Lowering her standard of living is simply out of the question. She's not broke. She's maxed out! And she thinks that entitles her to... my hard-earned money?

This, despite the fact that she bitterly complained about me not "spending" on her when we were married (because we were in a serious financial mess back then) and how she would tell me, "Nick doesn't care about money. He just wants me to be happy." I was trying to save our sinking financial ship, and she equates spending to her happiness....

And now, she's trying to stick me with the kids' braces to the tune of something like $190 per month! That's insane! That's like a car bill! And for what? So she can continue on with HER standard of living with HER boyfriend that she committed adultery with?

And really, it does not help her case at all that in the same conversation, she has the galls to say, "But you know what? When I go home, you don't even enter my mind. You don't mean anything to me. At all."

Gee thanks.

26 Responses to “Latest rant on the ex”

  1. mrs. Says:

    Well, it sounds to me as though you are better off alone than with a woman like that!

    There is no excuse for her behavior or attitude.

    Did you agree to take over the braces payment?

  2. Broken Arrow Says:

    I agreed to take a look at it, but I told her I can't exactly "cut her a blank check" either. After all, in a way, this is to take care of our children, and I don't mind that part.

    However, at the same time, I know she's trying to have the insurance pay for much of it, and then have me pay for the rest, leaving her to pay for nothing. I don't think that's right either.

    Not especially considering how hard I've struggled to turn my financial ship around, and now she decides to plunder my hard work because I have been responsible with my money but she hasn't. Yar. Sorry, meandered into a bad pirate theme. If I don't laugh about it, I'd cry. Big Grin

  3. littlemama Says:

    Sorry to hear of your truble with your ex BA. She sounds very immature. Keep your head up and carry on. You're better than that.

  4. monkeymama Says:

    Boy, that's a toughie! PArt of me is just like, pay for the dang braces. But if you give her an inch, she will take a mile. I can't imagine being in your shoes, BA!

    LEt's face it BA, you need to be financially strong for your kids, because she isn't. You are going to be asked to help more and more, as you improve your own situation.

  5. Ima saver Says:

    Sorry to hear this BA, my ex never paid me a dime in child support and never changed his financial ways either. He wound up having to live with his new in laws while he squandered his money. I wish I could say that she will learn when she gets older, but she probably won't. He never did.

  6. Broken Arrow Says:

    Thanks everyone. Ima, I agree that's the tough part too. No change is possible if someone doesn't think they're doing anything wrong, and therefore change is not necessary.

  7. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    Rock and a hard place!

    My son chose not to get the recommended but not necessary braces. I allowed him the choice and the opportunity to change his mind at any point up until we no longer had dental insurance on him (age 21.5). I wanted him to get them, for appearance sake. Is this at all a matter of choice for your kids? I have never heard anyone say that their kids were getting braces but that it was _elective_. Everyone who pays for braces for their kids say they _need_ them, but I wonder. My kid's dentist made it clear it was elective. I would not force that on my child unless it was necessary. Cosmetic fixes are another matter and I have no business forcing it. Do your kids _want_ & _need_ braces? No need to answer here--just something to consider.

  8. Nika Says:

    Do you believe she would lie to you about what portion is reimbursed by the insurance? Or not tell you if she was reimbursed later? It is terrible to have that kind or relationship with a parent of your child Frown I'm sorry you are in that situation.

    If the child needs braces, it seems reasonable that each parent would be responsible for the half of the unreimbursed expences. Can you set a condition of her authorising you to access insurance information, so that you are able to check on your own from time to time(they can pay months later)?

    Unfortunately, sometimes castodial parents confuse the responsibility of the other parent to pay for half of the necessary expences of the child with paying for half of the expences of the child and them. Some people have trouble separating the two. And they honestly believe that the child is not being supported sufficiently if the household lifestyle is not what they want it to be.

  9. Nika Says:

    Joan, I think if they can afford it at all, they should make every effort to do this for the kids.

    Condition of ones teeth does have an effect on how people are perceived and treated and can greatly impact person's career. That's just the way it is.

  10. miz pat Says:

    Man oh man, I can't believe she said such a nasty thing to you. I can't imagine having to continue talking to someone who has hurt you so badly, although I can certainly understand wanting to take care of your child.

    I have 4 years more on a 5 year restraining order on my ex. I'm glad. I never want to speak to him again.

  11. Broken Arrow Says:

    Joan, I can tell you that my ex is convinced that braces are entirely necessary. I am more of the opinion that it would be nice, cosmetically, but it's not entirely necessary.

    Either way, I'm willing to help pay for the bill. I've already told her that. And to be fair, she says she will permit me full access to the children's insurance details.

    Nika, my ex isn't a deliberate liar. That's one of the curious side-effects of someone who is fully convinced that they don't ever do anything wrong: If you never do anything wrong, then there's no reason to lie.

    Of course, they can be extremely misguided, but... that's not the same thing as deliberately lying. Barring little white lies, that is.

    The sad part is that she does lie, but does so subconsciously and convincingly, and worse than lying to me, she also lies to herself, convincing herself that her way is the only way. In the end, that will hurt her a lot more than she will ever realize. And all it will take is for life to take it's course....

    Thanks miz. You know, I'll admit it. I've been nasty to her too. Things have gotten really nasty, and truth be told, I'm not sure why it has to be this way. I would THINK that two perfectly mature and civilized human beings could settle matters in some amicable manner. But it's tough. I am willing to be equal, but my ex doesn't see me that way. So, often times, I have to fight just to fend her off from all these things that she feels I should be doing for her and the kids but isn't. And when I do resist, I am also made to feel like it's my fault and no wonder that I am such a loser that she should have left years ago. Strange. So... not all women are like this right? Right?

  12. miz pat Says:

    No, not all women are like this. She pushes my inner 'ARGGG' button

  13. monkeymama Says:

    Joan - I think a lot of kids out there *need* braces. (Improves dental health, jaw health, etc.). Could "survive" without it probably, but orthodontia is a good investment in that sense - certainly few think twice about it, but there are reasons why.

    & certainly, many others don't need it, and pay a lot for minor cosmetic work. But it can really run the spectrum.

  14. princessperky Says:

    I wanted braces as a kid, I knew the metal was temporary the straight teeth relatively permanent (if you took care of them). But I wasn't given the option by my mother, I happen to know money was tight, but the choices made with the money were never up to me. And so I held a long grudge against my mother for not allowing me braces.

    I did forgive her, but...

    I think while your ex is WRONG (yes with capitals) braces are not about her, they are for the kids. So yeah, IMO ask if they want them and will take care of them, and then if at all possible look at your budget with the braced kid to see where you will cut to find the money for them.

    You can't stop what she says while they are with her, but you can make sure your side is known when they are with you. (though make it short and never mention what their mother could give up for the braces, let them come to that conclusion on their own or not as they choose)

    Vent to us please, but never let the kids hear the anger if possible....My father spent many a long hour, that I tuned out for as much as possible, telling me how terrible my mother was..pure waste of his time, and time we could have spent talking of other things...Not that I think you do that, just complaining about my teen years.

    Anyway, I am sorry she is so difficult Frown.

  15. Broken Arrow Says:

    Thanks again for letting me vent everyone, and PP, it's my policy to never air any dirty laundry with the kids around. When these type of issues are brought up, I do so privately with her or online only. Big Grin

  16. frugaltexan Says:

    BA, I'm sorry to hear your ex is doing this. I hope you and her are able to come to a workable solution that takes care of the kids, but also doesn't leave you bearing the burden. She really doesn't know how lucky she is - so many dads just pay the min child support or shirk paying anything at all.

  17. PauletteGoddard Says:

    What frugaltexan and others have said. More mental peanut butter is needed to get her out of your hair. $190/month is close to what we are paying for my son's braces, for what it's worth. At the very worst you should be responsible for NO MORE THAN 50% of the cost, imho. If you pay child support, maybe even a smaller percentage. Keep letting her know you'll do what you deem fair but she can't take advantage of you.

  18. whitestripe Says:

    i think the fair thing to do here is to pay for half. i know you probably already have, but maybe you could suggest what YOU are giving up for that amount, and then ask her what SHE is giving up for her part. it might make her realise you are not made of money either.

    i absolutely HATE people that say crap like that (the part about not thinking about you). it was completely unnecesary and hurtful. i've had a few friends like that, and i think sometimes they don't even realise what they are saying - but in this case i would say it was said to intentionally hurt. but the funny part out of all that is, why on earth DID she say that? i could bet you any money it is because she DOES think of you. you said yourself that she convinces herself of things to be true, it's probable she's doing that here.
    so don't take too much offence to it, i would say it's highly likely it's really the opposite.

  19. Waterfall Says:

    BA, my sister sounds exactly like your ex. She left her husband for another guy too. Then she and the guy kept breaking up and making up. Every time they broke up, she would call or text my brother-in-law and profess her undying love for him.
    He wishes he could trust her, but she lies to him a lot.
    All I can do is be there for my sister and hope that her life doesn't come crashing down around her.
    She has some mental health issues like obsessive and paranoid disorders. My brother-in-law thinks these are to blame for her behaviour. However, she is a successful, high-functioning person, so I'm not buying it.
    She is extremely selfish, but so is my brother-in-law.
    The only silver lining is that they were never able to have kids.

  20. miclason Says:

    Vent away, that´s what we´re here for!
    Can you pay the insurance or the doctor directly? (sorry, yes, I wouldn´t trust her with the money!)

    Braces can be cosmetic, but, there are some instances when they are necessary. To this day, we make jokes about my niece´s jaw "falling off" at school (it became unhinged, it was VERY scary) When the school contacted us, we thought she had fallen on her face during cheerleading practice or something, no, she was just talking to her friends and PLOP!... turns out there was uneven wear on her jaw because her bite was not straight (I really cannot explain correctly what it was in English), so sis HAD to pay for her braces.

  21. Broken Arrow Says:

    Um wow, this entry has gotten a lot more attention than I thought it would. I figure you guys would be tired of me ranting about my ex by now. Big Grin

    Well, my ex has mentioned that she would feel more comfortable that I pay the doctor directly as well. She insists on it, which is a nice token gesture I guess. But I told her I don't mind either way, because the cash flow outcome remains the same.

    In other words, it doesn't matter to me if I pay the doctor or her, because in the end, it's still going to cost me the same amount of money.

    So, my only concern is that it is a fair amount. Just the same though, I can pay the doctor directly.

  22. lizajane Says:

    I don't get the comment about not spending on her when you were married. Things like that always baffle me, but that's just because we pool our money instead of having his money and her money. If I want to spend on me, I have access to the same money as my husband has to spend on me. The good (or bad?) thing is I don't want either of us to spend needlessly!

    She sounds insecure, like she's trying to reassure herself that the bf loves her, and convince herself that she doesn't think of you ever.

  23. Broken Arrow Says:

    Lizajane, I don't really get it either. I've told her that it's not because I don't care about her. It's just that our finances were a complete mess, and we were on the brink of getting evicted. From my perspective, I insisted that we had to find some way to cut back in order to save our finances, but to her, she took cutting back as a sign that I just don't want her to be happy. At least, those were her words.

    Also, she would insist that she is anything but insecure. But it's a funny thing about perspective, because to her, she's done extremely well and is very secure as a woman. Perhaps, but that's only relative to her other friends whom she has made because they all have anxiety disorders. My ex has it as well, and takes regular medications. However, all I've seen is that she has gotten a lot more temperamental, and not necessarily secure. It's not the same thing.

    Now, mind you, I would LIKE her to become healthier and better off. That would be better for the children as well. For that matter, I do agree that she seems to have improved from before. But... what I still see and what she is convinced of and is telling me are two different things. Sadly, she is still being plagued by insecurities, but I don't think she realizes it. And that's unfortunate.

  24. fern Says:

    This woman sounds like pure evil. What a nasty comment.

    If she has the insurance, I think her insurance should be applied against it and then, at most, you split it down the middle.

  25. LuxLiving Says:

    Good luck with what ever you decide BA. Divorces are tough. I think getting all the mental distance you can from her would be a good thing. Perhaps only meeting / chatting very minimally about the kiddos?

    For what it's worth, my CashHappySon NEEDED braces as he had an extra tooth that was visibly very unsightly and yet he was only 9 at the time the dentist started recommending them. There was no way this child would've been diligent to care for them at that time. We waited. We never really had the money at that time to do the braces. When he started working we brought the issue up and he decided to go for them himself and the ortho took his payments. Since he was paying he took much better care of them in my humble opinion. AND, he has done way better than I would've expected with his after-care once they came off!

  26. crazyliblady Says:

    I would say if she decides to really push for you to pay for the braces, let the divorce lawyer handle it. It sounds like negotiating with her would be like negotiating with a snake. Is $190 the full cost per month or 1/2 of what is owed each month? And personally, if it was me having to pay something, I would send payment directly to the orthodontist, not to her, to make sure they go for what they were intended for. Just my $.02.

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