I'm about to vent some serious negativity about my ex. Please skip if you wish.
Seriously, this woman drives me up the wall. She never apologizes for anything, believes she's never wrong, and more recently, has decided that she found "self-empowerment" or some junk. (And I know that using absolutes like "never" is pretty strong, but I think it's actually appropriate in this context....)
The inability to apologize for anything, even when blatantly shown to be false, in my opinion already speaks volumes. But what does she need "self-empowerment" for? She's never had problems being self-empowered. Seriously. I mean, she left me for another guy, despite being supposedly afraid of any ensuing consequences for doing so. What does that tell you?
What she truly lacks is the "common sense" department. Even empowerment is useless if you don't know the proper direction upon which to project that energy. It's like swinging a giant sledgehammer, but constantly missing the target. What good is that still?
Honestly, I give her way, way too much slack, even when I said I wasn't going to. I am such a sap.
Her latest round is wasting my time trying to explain to me how she doesn't make a lot of money, how she's got all this student loan that is still under deferment, and how even her "boyfriend" has to chip in.
Hello? Is anybody home?
You make good money. Boyfriend is paying you rent. Heck, you even managed to defer your massive student loans (with "floaty APRs"). You can pay to take care of the kids!
So why can't she? Isn't it obvious? Lowering her standard of living is simply out of the question. She's not broke. She's maxed out! And she thinks that entitles her to... my hard-earned money?
This, despite the fact that she bitterly complained about me not "spending" on her when we were married (because we were in a serious financial mess back then) and how she would tell me, "Nick doesn't care about money. He just wants me to be happy." I was trying to save our sinking financial ship, and she equates spending to her happiness....
And now, she's trying to stick me with the kids' braces to the tune of something like $190 per month! That's insane! That's like a car bill! And for what? So she can continue on with HER standard of living with HER boyfriend that she committed adultery with?
And really, it does not help her case at all that in the same conversation, she has the galls to say, "But you know what? When I go home, you don't even enter my mind. You don't mean anything to me. At all."
Gee thanks.
Latest rant on the ex
September 14th, 2009 at 02:33 pm
September 14th, 2009 at 03:02 pm 1252936962
Well, it sounds to me as though you are better off alone than with a woman like that!
There is no excuse for her behavior or attitude.
Did you agree to take over the braces payment?
September 14th, 2009 at 03:15 pm 1252937739
However, at the same time, I know she's trying to have the insurance pay for much of it, and then have me pay for the rest, leaving her to pay for nothing. I don't think that's right either.
Not especially considering how hard I've struggled to turn my financial ship around, and now she decides to plunder my hard work because I have been responsible with my money but she hasn't. Yar. Sorry, meandered into a bad pirate theme. If I don't laugh about it, I'd cry.
September 14th, 2009 at 03:40 pm 1252939256
September 14th, 2009 at 04:19 pm 1252941599
LEt's face it BA, you need to be financially strong for your kids, because she isn't. You are going to be asked to help more and more, as you improve your own situation.
September 14th, 2009 at 04:27 pm 1252942036
September 14th, 2009 at 04:40 pm 1252942805
September 14th, 2009 at 05:16 pm 1252945013
My son chose not to get the recommended but not necessary braces. I allowed him the choice and the opportunity to change his mind at any point up until we no longer had dental insurance on him (age 21.5). I wanted him to get them, for appearance sake. Is this at all a matter of choice for your kids? I have never heard anyone say that their kids were getting braces but that it was _elective_. Everyone who pays for braces for their kids say they _need_ them, but I wonder. My kid's dentist made it clear it was elective. I would not force that on my child unless it was necessary. Cosmetic fixes are another matter and I have no business forcing it. Do your kids _want_ & _need_ braces? No need to answer here--just something to consider.
September 14th, 2009 at 05:22 pm 1252945357
If the child needs braces, it seems reasonable that each parent would be responsible for the half of the unreimbursed expences. Can you set a condition of her authorising you to access insurance information, so that you are able to check on your own from time to time(they can pay months later)?
Unfortunately, sometimes castodial parents confuse the responsibility of the other parent to pay for half of the necessary expences of the child with paying for half of the expences of the child and them. Some people have trouble separating the two. And they honestly believe that the child is not being supported sufficiently if the household lifestyle is not what they want it to be.
September 14th, 2009 at 05:35 pm 1252946109
Condition of ones teeth does have an effect on how people are perceived and treated and can greatly impact person's career. That's just the way it is.
September 14th, 2009 at 05:50 pm 1252947051
I have 4 years more on a 5 year restraining order on my ex. I'm glad. I never want to speak to him again.
September 14th, 2009 at 06:30 pm 1252949439
Either way, I'm willing to help pay for the bill. I've already told her that. And to be fair, she says she will permit me full access to the children's insurance details.
Nika, my ex isn't a deliberate liar. That's one of the curious side-effects of someone who is fully convinced that they don't ever do anything wrong: If you never do anything wrong, then there's no reason to lie.
Of course, they can be extremely misguided, but... that's not the same thing as deliberately lying. Barring little white lies, that is.
The sad part is that she does lie, but does so subconsciously and convincingly, and worse than lying to me, she also lies to herself, convincing herself that her way is the only way. In the end, that will hurt her a lot more than she will ever realize. And all it will take is for life to take it's course....
Thanks miz. You know, I'll admit it. I've been nasty to her too. Things have gotten really nasty, and truth be told, I'm not sure why it has to be this way. I would THINK that two perfectly mature and civilized human beings could settle matters in some amicable manner. But it's tough. I am willing to be equal, but my ex doesn't see me that way. So, often times, I have to fight just to fend her off from all these things that she feels I should be doing for her and the kids but isn't. And when I do resist, I am also made to feel like it's my fault and no wonder that I am such a loser that she should have left years ago. Strange. So... not all women are like this right? Right?
September 14th, 2009 at 07:09 pm 1252951792
September 14th, 2009 at 07:48 pm 1252954094
& certainly, many others don't need it, and pay a lot for minor cosmetic work. But it can really run the spectrum.
September 14th, 2009 at 08:06 pm 1252955194
I did forgive her, but...
I think while your ex is WRONG (yes with capitals) braces are not about her, they are for the kids. So yeah, IMO ask if they want them and will take care of them, and then if at all possible look at your budget with the braced kid to see where you will cut to find the money for them.
You can't stop what she says while they are with her, but you can make sure your side is known when they are with you. (though make it short and never mention what their mother could give up for the braces, let them come to that conclusion on their own or not as they choose)
Vent to us please, but never let the kids hear the anger if possible....My father spent many a long hour, that I tuned out for as much as possible, telling me how terrible my mother was..pure waste of his time, and time we could have spent talking of other things...Not that I think you do that, just complaining about my teen years.
Anyway, I am sorry she is so difficult
September 14th, 2009 at 08:57 pm 1252958227
September 14th, 2009 at 09:25 pm 1252959947
September 14th, 2009 at 10:35 pm 1252964116
September 14th, 2009 at 10:44 pm 1252964641
i absolutely HATE people that say crap like that (the part about not thinking about you). it was completely unnecesary and hurtful. i've had a few friends like that, and i think sometimes they don't even realise what they are saying - but in this case i would say it was said to intentionally hurt. but the funny part out of all that is, why on earth DID she say that? i could bet you any money it is because she DOES think of you. you said yourself that she convinces herself of things to be true, it's probable she's doing that here.
so don't take too much offence to it, i would say it's highly likely it's really the opposite.
September 15th, 2009 at 03:08 am 1252980507
He wishes he could trust her, but she lies to him a lot.
All I can do is be there for my sister and hope that her life doesn't come crashing down around her.
She has some mental health issues like obsessive and paranoid disorders. My brother-in-law thinks these are to blame for her behaviour. However, she is a successful, high-functioning person, so I'm not buying it.
She is extremely selfish, but so is my brother-in-law.
The only silver lining is that they were never able to have kids.
September 15th, 2009 at 07:00 pm 1253037619
Can you pay the insurance or the doctor directly? (sorry, yes, I wouldn´t trust her with the money!)
Braces can be cosmetic, but, there are some instances when they are necessary. To this day, we make jokes about my niece´s jaw "falling off" at school (it became unhinged, it was VERY scary) When the school contacted us, we thought she had fallen on her face during cheerleading practice or something, no, she was just talking to her friends and PLOP!... turns out there was uneven wear on her jaw because her bite was not straight (I really cannot explain correctly what it was in English), so sis HAD to pay for her braces.
September 15th, 2009 at 08:20 pm 1253042456
Well, my ex has mentioned that she would feel more comfortable that I pay the doctor directly as well. She insists on it, which is a nice token gesture I guess. But I told her I don't mind either way, because the cash flow outcome remains the same.
In other words, it doesn't matter to me if I pay the doctor or her, because in the end, it's still going to cost me the same amount of money.
So, my only concern is that it is a fair amount. Just the same though, I can pay the doctor directly.
September 16th, 2009 at 06:06 am 1253077584
She sounds insecure, like she's trying to reassure herself that the bf loves her, and convince herself that she doesn't think of you ever.
September 16th, 2009 at 01:21 pm 1253103681
Also, she would insist that she is anything but insecure. But it's a funny thing about perspective, because to her, she's done extremely well and is very secure as a woman. Perhaps, but that's only relative to her other friends whom she has made because they all have anxiety disorders. My ex has it as well, and takes regular medications. However, all I've seen is that she has gotten a lot more temperamental, and not necessarily secure. It's not the same thing.
Now, mind you, I would LIKE her to become healthier and better off. That would be better for the children as well. For that matter, I do agree that she seems to have improved from before. But... what I still see and what she is convinced of and is telling me are two different things. Sadly, she is still being plagued by insecurities, but I don't think she realizes it. And that's unfortunate.
September 21st, 2009 at 01:39 pm 1253536750
If she has the insurance, I think her insurance should be applied against it and then, at most, you split it down the middle.
September 21st, 2009 at 11:20 pm 1253571652
For what it's worth, my CashHappySon NEEDED braces as he had an extra tooth that was visibly very unsightly and yet he was only 9 at the time the dentist started recommending them. There was no way this child would've been diligent to care for them at that time. We waited. We never really had the money at that time to do the braces. When he started working we brought the issue up and he decided to go for them himself and the ortho took his payments. Since he was paying he took much better care of them in my humble opinion. AND, he has done way better than I would've expected with his after-care once they came off!
September 26th, 2009 at 12:58 am 1253923110