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The Nice Guy Paradox

August 18th, 2009 at 03:54 pm

Completely non-financially related, but a popular and controversial topic on the internet (at least amongst younger men).

Text is Here's the link, and it's a brisk and succint read. and Link is http://danielmiessler.com/writing/the_nice_guy_paradox/
Here's the link, and it's a brisk and succint read.

Now, do I agree with this? Not exactly. However, I am a guy, so it doesn't carry much weight in such discussion. Fortunately for me, since there are many women on here, and I'd be interested to hear what you think of it.

Thanks in advance!

13 Responses to “The Nice Guy Paradox”

  1. boomeyers Says:

    Okay BA, yes, it is absolutely true. HOWEVER, I believe that younger women are more susceptible to this. Once a woman has had a serious, long term relationship she learns to appreciate a truly nice guy. Unfortunately, guys don't want to look at an older, more mature woman, they want a younger one, so it is a Catch 22!
    (Of course, I am speaking stereotypically!)

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    Hmmm...I kind of agree. I was thinking about the nice guy vs wild guy thing the other day...because my daughter will be dating one day and I scared!! My husband was a little more on the wild side, or appeared to be because of his friends and hair!! He showed up late to pick me up for dates. Oh, I hated it, but I enjoyed his company. We worked on promptness...which still isn't a strong suit. He is a good guy, but he's not one to over do things, or grovel. Apparently I'm okay with that, we've been together over 20 years. I'm not sure if this answers the question, but it's a little glimpse into my thoughts and experiences.

  3. anonymous Says:

    The guy who wrote that is an idiot. "Foundation of primal respect," my eye! Gag...You better be nice and you better be nice to everyone you possibly can be nice to. You better be reasonable, you better be mannerly, you better be at least as good a person as your own mother hoped you would be! Why would I want to hang out with a jerk like the author of that article?

  4. midlight21 Says:

    We want what we cannot have.

    Thus the bad boy appears a bit more unattainable and hence? A Challenge.

    Women love a challenge.

    My husband wasn't a bad boy, BUT he couldn't schedule a date too far ahead with me because he might need to see his kids 'this' weekend. Well, guess who won hand of this fair maiden? The one who was lapping at my heals or the one who was slightly out of reach?

    Take heed of what I say.

    Play games? No.

    Be yourself and if yourself is slightly less 'gettable'? All to the good my friend!

  5. Apprentice Bliss Hunter Says:

    As a guy - yes there is a lot of truth in that article....

    Women do NOT rate men (for dating purposes) on their level of niceness. For one, there are millions of "nice" guys out there. Be a nice guy and you just blend into the crowd.

    They rate them on their level of attractiveness. And being too nice early on in an interaction may decimate your attractiveness.

    A lot of mothers (e.g. Irish/Italian) who trained their sons to be nice and put women on a pedestal are now responible for a lot of unhappy bachelors !!

    Boy... if only fathers were better at passing on dating tips or if there was a Men Studies class at school !! :-)

  6. Broken Arrow Says:

    Thanks for the quick inputs so far. Again, please understand that I did not write this, nor do I even explicitly subscribe to this populist belief. But I welcome all view points, agree or disagree.

  7. monkeymama Says:

    I hate generalizations like this, overall.

    BUT - it is true. & I agree it is more true for younger gals.

    The reason I was attracted to my mate was because he looked like a "bad boy." He won extra points when my mom said he looked like a criminal (the more my parents hated them, the better!!! At age 16/17 anyway).

    I STAYED with him because he was a nice guy. My dh said he had "friend syndrome" where everyone wanted to be "just friends." He still has it somewhat - always had a lot of female friends - and I never felt threatened by them. But I have no idea why most women don't want a nice guy.

    I don't think anyone wants to date anyone overly accessible. I am not a game player at all, but there is definitely more fun in the chase. It's just human nature.

    On the flip side, I dated a guy way too long simply because everyone tried to keep us apart. I think if everyone just backed off a bit, we wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. (Instead we dated for 4 years). I think that comes into play. When the guy is nice and easy to catch, it's just not near as exciting.

    I met my spouse young, but after dating the wrong guy so long, I Was ready for a nice guy.

  8. PrincessPerky Says:

    I recently realized, my husband is NOT a nice guy...oh he is wonderful to me, I am spoiled with his love (not stuff), but in general he is not a nice guy. Hope he doesn't read this, cause it isn't..um nice Smile. (and he has gotten nicer to strangers)

    He said once he was amazed when he met me to find someone he liked better than himself, someone he found worth not being selfish for. I didn't keep him because he was nice, I kept him because I found him worth being nice to....more than nice.

    Oh and he was easy, no challenge, not that I minded a good challenge, but he certainly never put up a fight. (well except over keeping that stupid file cabinet full of computer parts)

    I wonder sometimes if the 'nice guy' complainers aren't folk like my husband, who thought one gal was worth being nice to, and are mad she didn't reciprocate? I am not nice to my husband because he is nice to me, I am nice because I want to be, because I love him.

    I once saw a TV sitcom, where the 'cool dude' who got 'all the chicks' was followed on a typical day, he hit on dozens of women- got 1 gals number. It wasn't that he was all that good it was that he asked dozens for their number and heard 'no' dozens minus one times.

    Meanwhile the nice guy was nice to dozens of folk not all of the dating range. Simple statistics explains why nice guys get less dates, they spend too much time with non date folk!

  9. baselle Says:

    Dude, substitute "fat chick" for "nice guy" and you have the female equivalent. Methinks both sides doth protest too much.

  10. Broken Arrow Says:

    Haha, thanks for the inputs. That's a particularly amusing point, baselle. The guy in question that I speak of get too hung up on the word "nice" and what exactly that entails. Many are convinced that they have to act a certain way. Like, as an arbitrary rule, they will NOT call you back on a second or third date. Or that they will not pay certain types of compliments.

    That arbitrary rules they create in their belief to "game the system" is what makes me roll my eyes. Rather paradoxical indeed, because these are the same guys who wants to attract women by pretending to be someone they are not. They are trying so hard to seem like they are not trying.

    But if one is genuine, then I do agree with the general gist of this article. You know you're with someone rather special when you are interested in them even though you don't have to be. Again, it's twisting this premise into a game of pretense to maximize your chances with the maximum number of women that I do not agree with.

    Furthermore, I for one believe in being "nice", but that shouldn't be confused with a guy who is so emotionally insecure and inept that they have to pretend with certain rules and put on a masquerade. "Nice", I believe, has never gone out of style with anyone, but it's the confusion over it being "weak" that I don't agree with.

    Also, it's worth considering that, in Asian culture, women prefer their men to have more effiminate personalities. So, if one were to game the system there, they would have to be more "doormat-ish" than here. But either way, I do not believe in being something I am not, so cultural differences are largely moot to me.

    But indeed, both sides doth protest too much. Big Grin And what a beautiful summation.

  11. miclason Says:

    It's the Beaty and the Beast myth, only the Beast won't change into a handsome prince...women want someone to love them enough to change (as in: if he REALLY loves me, bad boy will turn good)If the guy is already nice, how can you prove it's TRUE love! (yes, I agree, it IS that silly!)

  12. monkeymama Says:

    It definitely goes both ways (men and women!)

    I just wanted to add - more simply - women do want "Strong men." Nice guys are often seen as whimpy. IT really can be as simple as that. I am sure more "Assertive" nice guys get more chicks than doormat types. I definitley see that whole point.

  13. Broken Arrow Says:

    Well then I might be in trouble! Big Grin

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